Give me Jesus

In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise

Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

When I am alone,
When I am alone,
When I am alone,
Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

When I come to die,
When I come to die,
When I come to die,
Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

listen to Jeremy Camp

this one is good, too - live so you can hear people talking, etc.

I told our Sunday School class a couple of weeks ago that I was dry as a bone spiritually.  I was looking forward to working Alabama Emmaus Walk 425 this weekend with lots of friends.  Because I teach and facilitate, I tend to push myself . . .giving all I have . . .until I am depleted.  At that point, I usually need a big dose of God . . .I get some along . . .try to spend time with him every day . . .I try to pray continually . ..and live close to HIM but sometimes . . . sometimes I think I step away.  I think it is when I am tired. 

Anyway, back to the story at hand.  I planned to be immersed in the Holy Spirit for 72 straight hours this weekend - away from phones and TV's and computers.  I planned to be there for all 41 pilgrims (those attending the weekend) but I also know from past experiences that God ALWAYS meets me where I am on an Emmaus Walk.

So this week, my plans were not HIS plans.  Nancy died on Tuesday and her visitation was scheduled for Friday night and her service was scheduled for Saturday.  I had to make a very hard phone call to Teresa, the Lay Director for the walk.  I knew without a shadow of doubt that I HAD TO BE HOME for the services.  Not only was Nancy my friend . . .but she was family . . . close family.  As Mark said -- he and Nance (that is what he called her) were more like siblings than first cousins. 

The visitation was on Friday night.  It was to begin at six p.m. and we got there about a quarter til six . . .there was already a line.  We went around the line to the parlor and found our place where Nathan (Nancy's husband) wanted us to stand.  We smiled and hugged people and more people came and more people came.  We were so worried about Nancy's girls.  Yes, they are now grown young women . . .and they are so poised . . .and they smiled . . . and cried . . .Almost all of the family was able to attend.  Our nephews were not able to come from Delaware and two of Nancy's nephews from out of state were unable to attend.  One other cousin's young adult children were unable to attend . . .but everyone else was there . . .and there are a lot of us.  Yes, I say "US" even though biologically "they" would be Mark's family.  After 30 years, they are my family, too. 

For most of Friday and Friday night, I felt numb.  Plain and simple.

The strangest thing happened on Saturday, though.  We are blessed (and I mean that) to attend a church where most things are done with excellence and more importantly, for the glory of God.  We processed in - all six or seven long pews of us (there really are a lot of us).  The orchestra played - I'm sure it was beautiful.  I couldn't make eye contact with anyone for fear of losing it.  I did glance up . . .and even the balcony was full.  Our children's minister talked about Nancy and her years of service . . .one of the Nursing School people talked about Nancy's career and THEN TWO OF HER daughters spoke.  OH MY GOODNESS.  They did an awesome job.  Nancy cared about everyone.  She always wanted to know about us. . .even that visit right at the end where Mark and I were able to go - she wanted to hear all about the family.  The point is  . . . all of that part of the service was good - beautiful and fitting.

BUT THEN IT HAPPENED.  The sanctuary choir sang (both Nancy and Nathan were in the sanctuary choir . . .as a matter of fact, Nancy sang in two performances of the Messiah on December 1.  How could that be???).  Anyway, God has spoken often to me through music.  Our choir director, Scott, always wants the music to be for the glory of God.  Remember back at the first of this long and rambling post . . .I was dry as a bone spiritually . . .I was looking forward to working an Emmaus walk so that I could refuel?  God did something amazing - as he often does.  The choir started to sing "Give Me Jesus."  I could feel the whisper - here I AM, Lisa.  I AM here.  Drink it in.  I wept.  Mark wept.  My brother-in-law, Bob, wept.  I doubt there were many dry eyes in that sanctuary.  The voices of those choir members swirled through the sanctuary on the breath of the Holy Spirit.  Our senior minister, Andy spoke then . . .and he spoke words of life and hope and love and grief and he spoke words of GOD!

But God wasn't finished.  No, he wasn't finished.  I AM was still in the building.  We have this incredible new prayer garden/columbarium that I have shared with you before (because I helped!!).  I knew the way through the building to come into the back of the garden and so we were designated to get Aunt Mary (Nancy's momma) into her wheelchair (she is 90 and beautiful) and down the elevator and through the building and out into the prayer garden/columbarium.  We hustled . . .I think George did a few wheelies (nancy would have laughed!!).  The rest of the family was already there waiting on us.  We stopped at the edge of the family . . .and I took a deep breath and looked up . . . and around (I'm starting to cry again as I type this) . . .and oh my goodness . . .there were people in the breezeway and along the fence and in the windows of the church - WE WERE SURROUNDED BY A GREAT CLOUD OF WITNESSES.  Hebrews 12:1 -- Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

At THAT VERY MOMENT, a soft breeze blew through the columbarium . . .and I said to God (not out loud), "Thank you, God, you sent your Holy Spirit."

Now I am full . . .I am sad . . .I am heartbroken . . .but I am full because give me Jesus - any day - any way . . .Give me Jesus.  Oh Nancy - I am going to miss you sooooo much.  I just can't even fathom how much . . .but you are with Jesus.  You ran your race with perseverance.  Give me Jesus.  Give me Jesus.  Give me Jesus.  You can have all this world.  Just give me Jesus.

Thought processes

(disclaimer - this post may make ZERO sense to anyone but me . . .but I am processing)
I slept late this morning - UNTIL 7:00 a.m.!!!  I woke up (that is a good thing) and the sun is shining and the sky is blue.  There is food in my pantry and there are diet pepsis in my refrigerator.  I've just received a promotion at work.  We just had our hardwood floors redone in the kitchen and they are lovely.  Mark's sister, Susie and our brother-in-love, Bob are flying into town today.  I have some crafty type things I would like to work on today.  I have a gift card to spend at Talbots.  I have an Iphone that needs repair (but I have one!).  I am surrounded (not at this moment - I'm alone at the kitchen table) . . .but I am indeed surrounded by family and friends who love me.  There is an Emmaus Walk (Rise and Shine Walk 425) going on at Camp Sumatanga and I am privileged to pray for those team members (whom I love very much!) and the pilgrims.  I have antibiotics and steroids to fight this nasty "asthma/allergy" attack.


I could have worded each of those statements in a different way . . . and they would have been filled with negativity.  This week, due to sickness and death and stress and sadness and disappointment, EACH of those things could have been stated in a negative way (except for maybe the gift card at Talbots . . .the only negative is that I have to go to the Summit to spend it - aww shucks! -- just as an FYI, I am thrilled to see Susie and Bob BUT they are coming for Nancy's memorial service . . . .)


Jesus said, "I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of."  He didn't say, "Hey Lisa - bad stuff is going to happen so you can wallow in it" (is that how you even spell wallow?  in my house when I was a kid, it would have been "waller" -- you know - "just waller in it").


Life is hard.  God is good.  Bad stuff happens.  God is bigger.  I'm going to miss my friend and cousin.  She is dancing with Jesus.  I've got to learn a whole new job.  God is with me - always - and gave me a sharp mind and he also gave me the ability to apologize and say, "I screwed up on that project." I'm not at Camp Sumatanga this weekend with Teresa and Kam and Nathan and my other friends BUT GOD IS THERE . . .and GOD IS HERE!!! 


Just read this a few moments ago  -- Isaiah 55 (the message) . . . .and I'll end with this because God is good - all the time.  Go out in Joy.  Yes, Lord.


So you’ll go out in joy,
    you’ll be led into a whole and complete life.
The mountains and hills will lead the parade,
    bursting with song.
All the trees of the forest will join the procession,
    exuberant with applause.
No more thistles, but giant sequoias,
    no more thornbushes, but stately pines

Grace and Mercy

 

It is 2:41 a.m. and I am awake – possibly because I’m on steroids for a ferocious cough . . . possibly because I drank too much caffeine today . . . possibly because I’m grieving the loss of my sweet friend/cousin Nancy who died earlier today.  Whatever the reason, as I was coming back to bed, God whispered, “write it down, Lisa.  Write it down.”  So I’m propped up in bed on a bunch of pillows (which is probably good for the cough) with the laptop on my knees . . .typing. . . and listening to myself wheeze.

I know that Nancy is with Jesus.  I have no doubt of that fact.  Nancy lived a good life.  She was kind.  She was good.  She knew Jesus.  She taught Vacation Bible School.  She taught a young adult Sunday school class.  She was a wonderful mother to three beautiful daughters.  She was a faithful wife.  Nancy was my friend and Mark’s cousin . . . more like a sibling . . . .and oh my goodness, she may be with Jesus but we are still here on earth and we are going to miss her so very much.

My “writing fingers” have been silent for about two months.  I couldn’t sit down and type about mundane things when a life and death battle was going on.  I wanted to write about our family playing croquet on Christmas day . . . and I may write that post yet . . .but I wanted to pour out my heart about this and was not at liberty to do so yet. . . so my fingers were silent.

According to the scripture (and according to Andy Stanley), God promises us grace and mercy to endure every situation . . .to get us through every tough thing.  He doesn’t promise to physically heal everyone.  He doesn’t promise to answer all our prayers the way we want him to do but he does promise grace and mercy.  Mark has been praying every night for grace and mercy for Nancy since we found out that she was approaching the end of her earthly time.  God did indeed give her grace and mercy.  He gave her so much more than we could have imagined.

Nancy went home from the hospital for a couple of weeks . . .because she wanted to walk out the door of her home for the last time . . .grace and mercy.  Friends and family were invited to come one (or two – if a couple) at a time to visit with her.  We were spaced out so that she didn’t tire too much but we were all granted a few precious moments with our very special Nancy.  She talked with everyone . . . grace and mercy.  When Mark and I went, Mark pulled a chair from the adjoining room . . .right up next to Nancy . . . and held her hand the whole time.  Grace and Mercy.  We laughed and talked and reminisced about a lifetime of shared activities for Mark and Nancy and of course, Mark made her laugh.  Grace and mercy.  Mark didn’t cry.  Grace and mercy.  I cried all the way home.  Grace and mercy.

Five days later, I went back to see Nancy to deliver a photo book I had ordered.  The pictures were from her surprise birthday party thrown by her Sunday school class back during the fall.  I am sooo thankful that Suzan had the wisdom to orchestrate that lovely party.  Grace and mercy.  Nancy sat and looked at the pictures but I could tell that she was tiring.  I could tell that she was slowing down from just five days before.  Nancy smiled often during our visit . . .and drank a cherry icee . . .grace and mercy.

Nancy moved to palliative care at UAB on Valentine’s night.  That was just a few short days ago.  She walked out of her house for the last time.  Mark’s momma went and sat with Aunt Mary (Nancy’s 90 year old mama) yesterday and today (actually, it is already a new day . . .so I should say on Monday and Tuesday afternoon).  She was privy to some of Nancy’s last stories . . . and Nancy lived with God’s grace and mercy right up until she met Jesus.  She even orchestrated her family’s Sunday dinner -  from her hospital bed – and they all gathered for one last Sunday dinner.  Makes me not want to miss a single Sunday lunch at Mark’s momma’s house from now on.  They might be numbered.

Nancy lived her life with grace and mercy. . .not just at the end of her life . . .but all of her life.  God is good.  All the time, God is good.  Even when we earthly beings are sad and grieving, God is good.  God wins.  He is victorious over life AND DEATH.

The next few days will be difficult.  We are a part of a large family and we are all grieving.  Nathan and the girls and her sisters and her brother and her mother . . . are all grieving.  But already, I feel God’s whisper . . .not quite audible in the middle of the night . . .but the whisper is still there . . . .grace and mercy.  Grace and mercy for all of us.  Grace and mercy.  Thanks be to God. 

Thank you God for sharing Nancy with me for 32 years.  Thank you God that Nancy introduced me to her cousin, Mark.  Thank you God for her friendship.  Thank you God for her smile.  Thank you God for grace and mercy.